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Pantheon Tribune

the world's greatest newspaper

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Volume  CXVI - No. 290

Tuesday. December 5, 1933 - 32 pages

price 2 cents

olive overlord's uprising

an evil olive stands on top of an earth boring machine within a tunnel with an evil grin while the city behind it is blurred in motion

The Great Lake Leviathan Spotted!

Fishermen's Fables or Factual Fins?

Local fishermen at Navy Pier reel in tales of a gargantuan creature lurking beneath the waves. Described as having glowing eyes and tentacles miles long, the 'Lake Leviathan' has become the talk of the town, with residents flocking to the waterfront hoping for a glimpse.

Zephyr Express: Chicago to Moon

The Burlington Zephyr, an icon of Chicago's rail lines, is poised to revolutionize travel once more. Engineers now envision this marvel of steel as humanity's chariot to the stars. Dubbed the 'Lunar Zephyr,' this train is undergoing transformation for space travel, promising an out-of-this-world journey to the Moon's fabled Cheese Mines. With designs to harness celestial energies, the Zephyr aspires to offer an interstellar voyage at speeds once dreamed of in science fiction. Luxury cabins outfitted with cosmic views and zero-gravity lounges promise to make the journey as breathtaking as the destination. As the Lunar Zephyr readies for its maiden voyage, the world watches with bated breath, eager to claim their seat aboard this testament to human ingenuity and the indomitable spirit of exploration.

Capone's Secret: Al's Martini Mix-Up

Al Capone, the legendary figure of Chicago's roaring twenties, is stirring up the city's imagination once again. Whispers in the speakeasies tell of a recently unearthed map, a cryptic guide to Capone's most guarded secret—not gold, nor jewels, but something far more intoxicating. The map hints at a hidden stockpile of the rarest spirits and mixers, the essential components of a Prohibition-era martini par excellence. Adventurers and mixologists alike are decoding clues that span from the hidden tunnels beneath the city to the forgotten vaults of the Chicago River banks. 'Al's Martini Mix-Up' has become the buzz of every backroom bar and high-society lounge, with every would-be treasure hunter looking to pour themselves a taste of history.

Wrigley Field's Midnight Match: Ghosts vs. Legends

On a moon-drenched evening that turned Wrigley Field into a field of whispers and wonder, the ghostly players, donned in their timeless uniforms, emerged from the shadows to play ball. Spectators, wrapped in blankets and disbelief, watched as the legends of yesteryears pitched, swung, and ran the bases with ethereal agility. With each crack of the bat, a hush fell, and the crowd gasped as the ball soared, only to vanish like a shooting star. As the game progressed, the players' translucent forms blurred, leaving onlookers in awe of this spectral showdown—a game that was less about scores and more about the magic of baseball lore.

Evil Olive's Underground Onslaught Shocks City!

Witness Recounts Olive Overlord's Astonishing Emergence

Chaos ensued on the bustling streets as the Evil Olive emerged, according to an eyewitness account. The individual, a local barista named Jamie, described the scene as something out of a movie. "There was this loud rumbling, and then the ground just... opened up," Jamie recounted, visibly shaken. "And this... this olive, with these huge eyes, just popped out of nowhere on top of this massive drill!"

Jamie, who was on a break outside the cafe, watched in disbelief as the olive caused havoc. "It was surreal, almost funny, but then the reality hit us. This wasn't a joke," they said. The police quickly evacuated the area as the Evil Olive continued its path of destruction.

Downtown Havoc: The Evil Olive Emerges


In an unprecedented turn of events, the city's streets were thrown into disarray as the notorious Evil Olive surfaced atop a gargantuan boring machine. Eyewitnesses reported the villainous vegetable, clad in a dark cape and helmet, tearing through asphalt with a malevolent smirk. This olive, unlike any other, has sent shockwaves through the heart of downtown, leaving a trail of chaos in its wake.

As the dust settles, questions arise about the origins of this peculiar peril. The Evil Olive's motives remain as murky as the underground lair it emerged from. City officials call for calm, assuring that efforts are underway to address the destruction. Meanwhile, citizens are left to ponder the surreal sight of their city held at the mercy of an anthropomorphic olive with a taste for turmoil.

In the face of this olive ordeal, one thing is clear: the city will never look at a martini the same way again.